Tuesday, February 3, 2003


Drinky----
I think they're all in Cahoots. But seriously, go for it! It's better thanPublisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes!
This guy (see below) said he wanted to use me as the "Next of Kin" to a RichardSiler ($7 million, split 60-40) who worked for Shell Co. in Nigeria.

Dear Tom,

I received the two mails to send to me in responseto
my request. If you will be willing to cooperate with
me, I want you to forward the following informationto
me as soon as possible:

(1) Your private phone and fax numbers, mobile
inclusive.
(2) Your age and occupation.
(3) Your address.

As soon as I receive these details I will contact you
on how to contact the bank as regards to the claim.

Please bear in mind that you are not going to faceany
risk as I will back you up in all aspects of this
transaction.

Thanks as I wait for your response.

Regards,

F. Lawal esq."


I got as far as him calling me up and me not being able to understand a goddamnthing he was saying (thick Nigerian accent). Next email I got went somethinglike this:

Date: Mon, 3 Feb 2003 13:52:13-0500
From: lawal femi <lawalchambers@yahoo.ca>



Dear Tom,

After serious thought and due consideration, I write
with the intention that you will understand me. Itis
quite understandable that I sincerely contacted you
for cooperation in this transaction at hand, but I
have duly considered since we started communication
your age, occupation and the amount involved coupled
with the financial involvement to process the vital
documents in your favour, I therefore find it very
hard to believe that you will be capable to handle
this transaction.

With this I therefore appeal to you for understanding
without having in mind that I am trying to sidetrack
you in this business.

With due respect and regard, I appeal for your
permission to enable me scout for another person that
will be capable to assist me.

Finally, I thank you for your kind understanding and
permission and apologise for any inconvenience this
might cause you.

Thanks and God bless you.

Yours faithfully,

Femi Lawal esq.




Dear God, you made many, many poor people. I realize, ofcourse, that
it's no great shame to be poor... but it's no great honor, either. So whatwould have
been the difference if I had... a small fortune?
I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen
Right in the middle of the town,
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese
And ducks for the town to see and hear,
Squawking just as noisily as they can,
And each loud "pa-pa-geeee! pa-pa-gaack! pa-pa-geeee! pa-pa-gaack!"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say, "Here lives a wealthy man."
Oy!  

I see my wife, my Golde, looking like a rich man's wife,
With a proper double chin,
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock,
Oy! What a happy mood she's in,
Screaming at the servants day and night.

The most important men in town will come to fawn on me--
They will ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise--
"If you please, Reb Tevye?"--
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye?"--
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes--
(chanting) Ya va voy, ya va voy voy vum...
And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong--
When you're rich, they think you really know.

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the synagogue and pray,
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall,
And I'd discuss the learned books with the holy men
Seven hours every day--
That would be the sweetest thing of all...
Oy!

If I were a rich man,
Daidle deedle daidle
Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard,
Daidle deedle daidle
Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am--

Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan,
If I were a wealthy man?

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